Childhood Regressions

For the past few months, the topic of childhood regressions had become one of my most talked about conversations with friends and family. I can take this entry into many different directions, but I will try my best to focus more on what I want to say. Now keep in mind, everything I write about is from personal experiences as well as observation.

I believe our social environment, as well as the environment we were raised in, all plays a role on what makes us who we are today. I'm specifically talking about our emotional state of mind. To put it in otherwords, I strongly believe that we carry emotional trauma from our childhood into our adulthood if we do not properly heal from them. Let me give you an example now that I'm a little more comfortable talking about it.

I had recently graduated with my AA in Holistic Studies a year ago. In early Spring of 2019, I received an e-mail from my school congratulating me and that I may pick up my diploma or walk the graduation line in May. As simple as that e-mail was, it struck a huge cord with me. I sat there on my bed tearing up. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions: excitement, joy, sadness. For the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. In the noisiness of my emotions, a thought came to mind,

"why in the world am I reacting like this?"

I needed an answer and I had quickly come to the realization that the only person who should be proud of me... is myself.

As a child, I do not recall seeking any form of approval, but I wanted my loved ones to support me and be proud of me. I wanted to feel important and I wanted to be celebrated. Grades, awards, pursuing something I believed I was good at - they were all dismissed and I was always compared to how better others were. How did this affect me into my teen and adulthood? It's the little things, honestly. I became a bit numb to it and did not care about things anymore. I allowed for my grades to slip to the point where I wasn't going to be able to graduate high school. I didn't try as hard to be my better self and I stopped believing that I had any talent, artistically speaking.

Sometimes, something drastic in life has to happen in order to wake you from your emotional slumber. In my case, it all started to turn around after my Grandpa had passed away in 2013. I began to question my existence. Why did I choose to be born? What was my purpose in this life? I decided to go back to school and take classes that surprisingly unlocked a part of my memory that I had stored away a long time ago - before I started feeling irrelevant. The healing process was just beginning.

Then, my Grandma had passed away in 2017. I watched how my loved ones were coping with their loss. So much sadness, guilt, regret... anger. It reminded me that I still had a lot of healing to do myself. I needed to learn to forgive people and myself. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy process. But in order for me to move forward, I had to put work into myself. As people like to call it: Self love or finding my inner peace. I am not 100% healed, but I know I am the better version of myself now than I was ever before.

Healing takes time. YOU need to put in the work. YOU have to be able to admit things about yourself that may be hard to accept. Putting our Ego aside WILL be difficult, but it is worth it when you want to release the hurt you've been holding onto all these years subconsciously.

♥︎

jules